No i do not want to be like this..this rut that I'm trapped in..encased by time..falling so dangerously,when the consequences are lethal,almost fatal...yet still i blindly take the plunge,hoping it turns our differently every single day..Hoping a new day,brings about a change..a change which i could do with..
But alas,i never knew i could get this stupid..every single day that passes,amazes me with how foolish i get..clinging on to something non existent..Praying to a god i don't really believe in..hoping that somehow,a miracle might fall out of the damn sky and hit me in the head,knocking me out cold..I could do with a good hard knock though.to just make me forget..to make me see,what else or or to be more specific,who else is out there..looking for something better?..a better catch?..I'm not gold,i never will be..i believe in destinies and fate..pfft,i must be new to this game...But if i was the one looking for something/someone better,how will i know it ain't this/you?..i do not want all this,these false hope that i so blindly base my assumptions on, on how things may eventually unfold..no matter how far fetched they all are..But thankfully i can see the real deal,on how things really are,it ain't favouring me much though.I'm ok with that..i try so hard to not paint pretty pictures in my head,oh yes i do..
Instead,i try to paint dark ones..where the shades are as dark as my soul..and i keep telling myself,that maybe if i stop painting,I'll eventually forget how to,and i surely wouldn't want to remember ever again.so much so no pictures would ever appear again..it's like an explosion of emotions..a tussle between the good ones and the morbid ones..Every single day i wish i could forget...I could do without this.the guilt,the sadness,the longing,the heartache..If i could rip my heart out to make me not feel again,oh damn i would,over and over again...I would toss it into the sea,and tell it to never come back again..I just want to get through this life..without the bullshit.without the uncertainties..i wish i could do without all this..i wish i was a bitter person,who didn't give a shit about people,that would be just what i need..i wish i could tell you to screw yourself when you're feeling down,to shoot yourself in the brains when you tell me you're sad cuz that special person left you,to tell you i simply don't give two shits about your problems,cuz hell you certainly don't about mine...i wish i could tell you i don't give a single crap about your feelings,and to tell people that i don't give a damn about their day,and how stressed they are about some damn exam or what ever,i wish i could tell you what a skank you are and that i hardly even know you or want to know you each time you tell me about the last random guy you slept with,cuz in reality i think you're a slut,and when you tell shit like you're scared of getting pregnant,i would love nothing more than to call you a stupid whore and to not pass that sin of yours to a new life.,.But what do i do?..i sit and patiently listen to every single sob sob story that comes my way,offering words of comfort which i myself need,to who ever who needs it without unnecessarily judging....
And i surely don't know why i need to feel compelled each time i see something touching.a hungry child, dying man,a mother who has lost her child,a devastating catastrophe that took many lives,a person helping another less fortunate person out,or even,the simple act of saying sorry to hear that,when told about a misfortune suffered by another person..damn.sometimes,i wish being human and having feelings were outlawed..
But alas try as i might, i can't,no matter how much i want too..i just cant..i don't know why the heck i need to care,when others are capable of being so selfish..why am i lending people my shoulder to cry on and ear to listen.i have my problems to deal with..why take it upon myself to do good when others don't..so much so me being this way,is recognized as a form of weakness..I have no idea why i do the things i do..feel the way i feel..I'm sick of it..but i know.i can never change..maybe one day.When my heart has completely turned to stone..i can no longer feel.These nerve endings stop working and i can finally go numb.To be a robot,a heartless entity,to do without love..to not pin for something,or someone anymore.I'm just very very tired..that's all..sorry if this post seemed
rather strong...just drained....have a good day.. ...
But alas,i never knew i could get this stupid..every single day that passes,amazes me with how foolish i get..clinging on to something non existent..Praying to a god i don't really believe in..hoping that somehow,a miracle might fall out of the damn sky and hit me in the head,knocking me out cold..I could do with a good hard knock though.to just make me forget..to make me see,what else or or to be more specific,who else is out there..looking for something better?..a better catch?..I'm not gold,i never will be..i believe in destinies and fate..pfft,i must be new to this game...But if i was the one looking for something/someone better,how will i know it ain't this/you?..i do not want all this,these false hope that i so blindly base my assumptions on, on how things may eventually unfold..no matter how far fetched they all are..But thankfully i can see the real deal,on how things really are,it ain't favouring me much though.I'm ok with that..i try so hard to not paint pretty pictures in my head,oh yes i do..
Instead,i try to paint dark ones..where the shades are as dark as my soul..and i keep telling myself,that maybe if i stop painting,I'll eventually forget how to,and i surely wouldn't want to remember ever again.so much so no pictures would ever appear again..it's like an explosion of emotions..a tussle between the good ones and the morbid ones..Every single day i wish i could forget...I could do without this.the guilt,the sadness,the longing,the heartache..If i could rip my heart out to make me not feel again,oh damn i would,over and over again...I would toss it into the sea,and tell it to never come back again..I just want to get through this life..without the bullshit.without the uncertainties..i wish i could do without all this..i wish i was a bitter person,who didn't give a shit about people,that would be just what i need..i wish i could tell you to screw yourself when you're feeling down,to shoot yourself in the brains when you tell me you're sad cuz that special person left you,to tell you i simply don't give two shits about your problems,cuz hell you certainly don't about mine...i wish i could tell you i don't give a single crap about your feelings,and to tell people that i don't give a damn about their day,and how stressed they are about some damn exam or what ever,i wish i could tell you what a skank you are and that i hardly even know you or want to know you each time you tell me about the last random guy you slept with,cuz in reality i think you're a slut,and when you tell shit like you're scared of getting pregnant,i would love nothing more than to call you a stupid whore and to not pass that sin of yours to a new life.,.But what do i do?..i sit and patiently listen to every single sob sob story that comes my way,offering words of comfort which i myself need,to who ever who needs it without unnecessarily judging....
And i surely don't know why i need to feel compelled each time i see something touching.a hungry child, dying man,a mother who has lost her child,a devastating catastrophe that took many lives,a person helping another less fortunate person out,or even,the simple act of saying sorry to hear that,when told about a misfortune suffered by another person..damn.sometimes,i wish being human and having feelings were outlawed..
But alas try as i might, i can't,no matter how much i want too..i just cant..i don't know why the heck i need to care,when others are capable of being so selfish..why am i lending people my shoulder to cry on and ear to listen.i have my problems to deal with..why take it upon myself to do good when others don't..so much so me being this way,is recognized as a form of weakness..I have no idea why i do the things i do..feel the way i feel..I'm sick of it..but i know.i can never change..maybe one day.When my heart has completely turned to stone..i can no longer feel.These nerve endings stop working and i can finally go numb.To be a robot,a heartless entity,to do without love..to not pin for something,or someone anymore.I'm just very very tired..that's all..sorry if this post seemed
rather strong...just drained....have a good day.. ...
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